«I felt perplexed. At the same time, I felt jealousy toward you…»
— It appeared to me that Kathy did not succeed in seducing you. I felt perplexed, but at the same time, I felt jealous of you as a man and anger toward her. She was doing something without being aware of what she wanted to achieve. Next, I started to negate you as a teacher. I started to question your methods of work. I came to this meeting experiencing these feelings. When I started to sort it out, I came to conclusion that I confirm my opinion of her as hopeless. I was afraid that everyone will read my thoughts. I tried to suppress them. I did not want to admit my jealousy. After the break I found my strength and approached you. I verbalized my fear, but I did not admit the jealousy. I left you feeling that I have not finished something and with the fear of the unknown. I was sitting here asking myself where my self-investigator was. The feeling of jealousy I have experienced was very strong. I have not experienced it for a long time. I felt as if the old wound was reopened. Later on at home, Kathy asked me what was going on with me. I answered that I was angry. At that time my feelings have already changed. I felt angry with myself for my emotions. I started to understand that it was not you who were guilty or your methods were not working; I could not get into a working state. I understood there was nothing between you and Kathy, and that I could not blame her for anything. I got angry for nothing. But the state of anger did not leave me.
— We are dealing with condemnation again. You continue to re-experience the old experience that you have not experienced fully.
— At the moment when I felt jealousy and self-pity, I caught a thought that I was trying to control her, and she would do something that I did not like. I got scared. I tried to review the entire situation from the beginning, but I could not do it: everything was frozen with fear. I was afraid that our relationship may end. I asked myself what our relationship meant to me, and I heard the word kaif.* I returned to the past again, and experienced my oppression of her and her freedom to do what she wanted to do. This was accompanied by strong emotions, loud laughter, and tears. During the night, I let everything go. I felt enormous lightness, and I told her I refuse jealousy and choose love. Afterwards, we have experienced intimacy that could not be compared to anything we have ever experienced before.
— Can you admit that there could have been something between me and her?
— I can admit it because I have a choice. I talk about it now, and above me there is my jealous «i», and the«i» that hates. But I know that I have a choice. I can turn on the «i» that is jealous and full of hate or I can bless you. I feel light not because of what is going on here, but because I have a choice.
— The question is not even whether this has physically happened or not. If you thought about something, it already happened in your imagination.
— Jealousy and guilt are two of the strongest experiences.
— What lays at the core of these experiences? It’s the feeling of ownership. This is mine and it should not belong to anybody else. But in such case, it does not belong to you either. That’s the most interesting part. If you are jealous and consider that someone belongs to you and to you alone, you are losing him or her. As soon as you have imagined a betrayal, it becomes real for you.
Let’s take a different look at it. Let’s say you are jealous of your wife. You imagine her with someone. Hence, this is your desire. You want that to happen. In reality, no one belongs to anybody, and when you create an illusion that someone belongs to you, these thoughts get stronger, and you see her with someone else. You like that. You experience kaif*.
If you did not have this desire, you would not put prohibition on it. I proclaim that you want it. If you are jealous, you want this to happen, but do not allow yourself to see it and insist that you want something else. You are crushing your own desire.
Jealousy is a perverted form of a true desire. Moreover, the greater your jealousy is, the greater is your desire to confirm the betrayal. Your primary desire does not get satisfied and gets sublimated into jealousy.
— But one does not necessarily have to imagine that. One does not necessarily have to be jealous.
— But jealousy exists and it is based on your own desire. You satisfy this desire of yours in such a way. You can receive this pleasure through me. At the base of your jealousy is your own desire. But you do not see it.
— I got it.
— You carry a prohibition at the core of which lies your own desire to be betrayed. The one who is jealous always provokes his partner to betray him.
— Later on, I got into another extreme. I felt guilty for pushing her toward it. I was pushing her to betray me. I understood this mechanism, but I got into the opposite side of it.
You blame yourself for what you forbid yourself to express
— People blame themselves for things they prohibit themselves to do. Jealousy is a limitation: you don’t allow your hidden desire to manifest itself. If you were to allow it to manifest itself, you would experience pleasure. Prohibiting yourself something, you receive what you receive.
— If I were to allow this to take place, she might not do it.
— You will not be interested in it. This is not important. Letting go of jealousy, you allow your desire to manifest itself. This is a classic situation which blocks the understanding of unity, where everything is interconnected, and if a desire appears in someone, it appears in all of us as one whole. We all belong to one whole, as two arms belong to one body. Do you have a problem with your left hand shaking your right hand?
— In reality, all of this is free and aware choice. I choose my reaction to what happens.
— You need each other in order to be aware of each other and to move further in this direction. Everything that happens here is part of the scenario that you use to broaden your consciousness. Everything that happened between two of you will be used to see and to become aware of your old image. When you start to build your relationships on the axiom of partnership, they become endless and limitless. Everything is right in such relationships. Irrespective of what happens, everything is used as firewood to maintain the fire of awareness. You meet your shadow sides and you become aware of them. It is important to review everything that comes your way, and you work to help each other.
Manifest your desire as soon as it appears. Allow it to manifest itself. Imagine everything you want. Allow yourself that. Enjoy it.
— In such case, your partner will stop feeling this aggression.
— Yes. Otherwise, he or she is feeling your pressure and starts to resist it. In such case, she will do what you are so afraid of, i.e. what you want. What is the difference between me shaking her hand and us getting in bed together?
— There is no difference if one is jealous.
— Would you refuse her if there was something between me and her?
— No. Not now.
— What is the difference between sex and what we have discussed? The contact we experience during our conversation is much deeper than superficial sexual interaction people usually get satisfied with. Any communication is sexual in nature. Why aren’t you jealous of our conversation? We had a very intimate conversation.
This happens because of the materialistic perception, where the physical sex is considered to be a betrayal. If you forbid sex, then go all the way and forbid her every communication.
— So, when people lament and ask why they get what they did not want to get, they don’t understand that their own desires were actually satisfied.
— Yes. WE are trying to complete the logical chain all the way down to this thought. If a prohibition is present, it can encompass everything. What state are you going to be in if everything was prohibited?
— Do I get it right, there are no prohibitions?
— There are no prohibition for the Soul, but there are many prohibitions for the personality. And until we see all of them, we would not be able to feel ourselves as the Soul.
* Kaif or Kif – from Arabic kayf pleasure. Any drug or agent that when smoked is capable of producing a euphoric condition. The euphoric condition produced by smoking marijuana.