— I was looking at many of my dependencies, and by going to early childhood memories, found the attachment that hooks me more than anything.
I was transcribing the last webinar and I asked my husband for help. Asking him for such a small favor made me nauseous. It almost turned my insides out. I decided to get to the root cause of it. It turns out that when I can’t do something on my own and it is critically important for me to ask for help, a tremendous resistance appears inside me. My father exhibits exactly the same behavior. He does something for another man and creates a dependency in him. For example, he created a website for me. I did not ask him to do that. The site is quite a complicated venture that only he can maintain. Now I became dependent on him, and when I turn to him for help, he frequently refuses, saying that he does not have the time. By saying that, he creates a feeling of guilt in me. This feeling appears in relationship with my dependency. As a child I felt guilty based on the very fact of my existence. I thought that my presence made my parents life miserable; my parents got married because my mother got pregnant with me.
So, my father creates dependency in order for me to need him, and I do exactly the same in my own family.
— You said your parents got married because you were born, and because of this you started to feel guilty. Take another look at your parents’ situation. Your birth provided them with a scape goat and the reason to get married. They needed you. Without you, they would not be able to do so. Take a look at who needed who here? I am not saying you don’t need them. I am showing you another side of this situation, a side that you did not see. What is the degree of their need in you? It is not any lesser than your need for them.
Further, you said that your father made a website that only he can operate, and when you ask him for help, he replies, “I can’t do it now.”
— He gets irritated. He helps me, but in the process of doing that he gets very irritated. And he expresses his irritation quite strongly. He does what I ask him to do, but he shows me that he does not want to do that. That’s what upsets me the most.
— And take a look at the way you showed up in this world. Do you see the similarity?
— Yes, it is similar.
— The baby is born. What do we do now? She is here, and we will have to feed her and take care of her. And your father manifests it in his relationship with you. This program was inculcated in you at the get go, and everything follows the same pattern since.
— During my childhood I considered myself to be a victim. I enjoyed this state of victimhood. I felt pity for myself. I thought everyone should feel pity for me. I have entered this state again now, even though I try to suppress it.
— The state of the victim can lead you to compassion, while the state of the oppressor cannot. The experience of the role of the victim is one of the most important prerequisites you have to complete in order to understand yourself. The feeling of sacrifice does not guarantee you this understanding. It is a mandatory, but not necessarily a sufficient prerequisite. I’ll tell you about myself. I went through this prerequisite a hard way. Without it I would not be able to understand the subject we discuss now. This is a difficult, but necessary experience. I want to emphasize that it was your Soul who chose this experience. You were born into such circumstances in order to receive this experience. And it is precisely this experience that brought you to the School of Holistic Psychology. Be grateful for this experience and thank your Soul that planned it so well.
But now we are on the next step of development of our experiment, where we need to see and balance both the victim and the oppressor in ourselves. The sense of victimhood appears as a result of oppression. Am I correct?
— It means we have to have an oppressor who will oppress the victim. As a result a victim feels as a victim. Now I want to balance this duality in you. I want to show you that your father who you can view as an oppressor in reality is a similar victim; your birth was an oppression for him.
— I was an oppressor. That’s for sure.
— Now, looking at the situation from this point of view, you can start to balance and harmonize this highly activated inner duality of yours.
— There is something wrong here. I feel guilty again. I am an oppressor, but I feel guilty nevertheless.
— It is impossible to stop the train that moves with a speed of two hundred miles an hour at once. The train’s inertia is high, and it will have to go a certain distance while the brakes are being applied. The speed of your train with the name “victim” is very fast and it carries a heavy load of experience. It will not stop instantly. It will take a while to slow down. We need to decelerate this train. It will stop eventually. That’s what I offer. I am discussing in details what needs to be done in order to complete this deceleration of the train with the name “victim.” I offer you to start seeing the oppressor in you, because that train moves with the same speed but in the opposite direction.
— I need to see the oppressor I play in my relationship with my father, who I consider to be an oppressor.
— Let’s start with your father, because you have just told us about him. But you will have to see yourself being an oppressor in your relationship with other people, especially your relatives.
— I can see it in my relationship with my relatives. I make my relatives dependent on me, and then push them away. I blame them for taking my time. I blame them for bothering me. I can see that I play the role of the oppressor.
— Exactly. And you use the same mechanism. Why do we need to see the mechanism? Try to understand what I mean when I say, “The mechanism.” You have just described the mechanism your father used bringing you up to be a victim. You use the same mechanism now to make other people dependent on you.
— I can see it now.
— So, you were taught this method, and now you successfully employ it.
— Yes, I do so, even though this is a totally ineffective method.
— No, this is a very effective method. Why do you minimize what your father has passed on to you? That is why you cannot feel gratitude toward him. He taught you this method extremely well, and this is a very effective method. If it was not so effective, he would not have passed it on to you. He passed the best thing he could; and you have already experienced its efficacy on your own. Look, this is a paradox. I offer you to thank your parents for everything you hate them for. But it should not be done as an affirmation, “Thank you dad for this and that.” You should really feel gratitude. This is quite a U-turn, isn’t it?
— On one hand, this is so. But, on the other hand, I experience the feeling of guilt because I mechanically apply this method.
— It is great that you experience the feeling of guilt. It is great that you feel yourself as a victim. You just told me you were reveling feeling yourself a victim.
— But that was before.
— Wait. Wait. Not so fast. I have gone through this experience myself. I have reveled in it for decades. And who taught me this mechanism using which I can call in myself this intoxicatingly pleasurable feeling of pity to myself? My parents. So, I feel great gratitude for this. When you revel in a certain state, understand that you are doing it because your parents have taught you how to do that. Express your gratitude to them. Don’t do that formally; thoroughly feel this gratitude.
— I hear the voice of this victim in me that says, “You dummy, you pity yourself again? You are doing it yourself. You have to dig yourself out of this hole yourself.” My victim is slowly doing its job.
— You show how the inner war between the dual parts of your personality occurs; in this particular case between the victim and the oppressor. They continue to fight. I offer you to transform this war into a partnership. But how can you transform war into partnership if you continue to blame yourself? How can you stop this blame if you think that the part that you blame yourself for is nasty, filthy, loathsome, and horrible? If you think that way, the war will continue eternally. That what happens in many spiritual movements under the slogan, “We will be better. We will be more spiritual, more loving, etc.” People continue to blame themselves. Do they get closer to God, or using my terminology, transition to a higher level of consciousness? No, they do not. So, whatever they use does not work. But take a look at the ardor with which they continue to do what they do, not seeing that it does not work. They want to continue to work under the slogan, “We move toward love, awareness, happiness, etc.”
I show you the instrument that will help you to stop this fight. I offer you to feel satisfaction from what you call nasty. I offer you to feel the satisfaction of your own victim, your own judgment and blame, because what you blame, you cannot investigate. How can you investigate something if you don’t even want to look at it?
You need to thank yourself for it. You need to say, “Everything I think, experience and do is right. I refuse to blame myself for anything.” It does not mean that you have to keep doing it. First, you will see it. Then, it will change.
The only way to Wholeness is to assemble yourself by starting to accept yourself in all your aspects and manifestations. You will not accept what you consider to be bad in yourself. This is the key concept. It is not simple to grasp it. You need to apply effort and to stop blaming yourself for something you consider to be nasty. There is nothing nasty in you. Everything you ever did, thought, and felt was right. This was your way to move to yourself. But continuing to do so, you will lengthen it. You can do that, but I offer you the shortest way to yourself. To walk this way, you will have to transfer to a different perception. You will not be able to investigate your inner world, if you consider it to be bad and dirty. I will repeat. There is nothing bad in you. There is nothing in you that asks for disrespect. Everything that is present in a human being, and human being is created by God, is remarkable. Do you think God would create something nasty that he would later turn away from? The Creator loves his creation. That is why it is said, “God is love.” God loves everything.
We happen to be in the zone of free will. This is a specific zone. God allows everything here. If God were not to allow something “bad” to be here, that “bad” would not be here. God allowed that. He has his own considerations in regards to that. Therefore, we need that and this is good. I am offering you this as a mental concept which you also need to feel. It’s precisely because you feel that you are loathsome, that you cannot thank God for your being. In such case, you will blame your creator for making you the way you are. But he did not create you bad. God created you the way you suppose to be in order to move to the next level of consciousness.
Closed in the sphere of the ego that constantly blames itself, you will never see the light at the end of the tunnel. You will not feel gratitude to your parents, through whom the dual program of your personality was downloaded. You will not feel gratitude to your Supreme Aspect that send you here to receive something using this program. You will not feel gratitude to the Creator.
Here is the chain that can lead you to the state of gratitude. But if you are not grateful to your parents, you will not be grateful to God.
The state of gratitude appears as we work and become aware of our programs. This state will emotionally confirm the completion of your work to become aware of yourself. We need to do this work. This work is not easy. We will encounter puzzle after puzzle. We will not be left without puzzles, trust me. We will have to solve them one by one.
— I understand. Thank you.
— I tend to punish myself. I frequently hurt myself physically. I started to investigate that problem yesterday. At first, I thought I would rather be hurt by people who see my dualities. I would rather be punished by them. But then I started to question this premise. I was walking, contemplating this puzzle, when a young man approached me. He told me that he just arrived to Moscow and asked for some money to fill up his car. We were standing in the middle of a busy street, when suddenly his voice changed, and he said, “Give me your money fast!” I realized that I was being robed. I was wishing for someone to punish me, and instantly someone appeared who was ready to do that. I had such a strong desire to punish myself that …
— Yes. When you feel guilty, you attract an oppressor who will punish you. Take a look at the level of guilt every one of us carry. We don’t see it, but it is enormous. Latter on we get surprised that those oppressors mug and rape us. But we attract them. Until we see how we attract them and what causes us to attract them, we will continue to do so.