— I observed a very interesting habitual reaction to certain events. My habit is to get upset and to hold a grudge. There is a division inside. There is this voice inside. It says: «You have to overcome the state of grudge. You should not be afraid to upset him. You are afraid to get him upset again, and you feel guilty for this».
Let’s take a look at my relationship with my husband. As soon as he comes home I get irritated. As soon as he comes—it is irrelevant what he says and does—any phrase of his causes me to become irritated and angry. I understand now that my state is caused by his «falling into guilt» for one reason or another. His feeling of guilt causes my system to start swinging. I want to kick and scream at him.
— Do you want to blame him?
— I want to confirm that he is guilty.
— You want to blame him and make him feel guilty. He feels guilty when you accuse him of something.
— You are telling us that you want to scream at him and kick him.
— I want to say to him: «Here you go. You left your shirt here again».
— Is not this an accusation?
— Yes, it is.
— Pay attention to this. This is very important. Unless you clearly see the mechanism of work of what you are observing, you will not be able to describe it well.
— I would not call it accusation. This is an agression, or not motivated anger.
— Okay. What is an aggression?
— Iritation. Anger.
— If something iritates you, it means that this something does not satisfy you. Am I correct?
— Yes. It does not fit my notions. I just have to find a reason. A man comes home totally calm. He does everything the way he usually does it, but this irritation is already inside me. I observe and I see it. I have to simply switch myself out of this state, saying to myself: «What are you getting angry about? What is tearing you apart? » Then, I understand that this happens because he is thrown into a state of guilt for some reasons of his own.
— And you are here for no reason, right?
— Yes. I am just here.
— He happens to be in a state of guilt, and you just happen to be here for no reason, and for some reason irritation against him starts to accumulate in you.
— I ask him to stop blaming himself. There is no reason to blame himself for whatever happened to him somewhere.
— Why are you irritated by his being in a state of guilt? Let him experience it. Why do you care?
— I don’t think it depends on me.
— If it does not depend on you, why does it irritate you? You react to him in a certain way, and it appears to me that your reaction has to do with you. Why do you say that it does not concern you?
— He is the closest human being I have got.
— And he shows you something that is in you.
— You cannot separate from him, because he shows you something that is in you.