TGL #27. Why does a feeling of pity appear?

Why do you experience pity? What do you feel when someone pities you? What do you feel when you pity yourself? What do you feel when you pity somebody else? Do you like this feeling?

You pitied someone, and now he thinks you love him. Someone took pity on you; therefore, you are important for someone. Personality is delighted because it was accepted. What exactly was accepted? The problem created by the personality and feelings that appeared in connection with this problem were accepted.

Pity is one of the main sources of energetic nourishment of the false personality. Are you interested in learning the mechanism of pity appearance?

Why does a feeling of pity appear?

— I am going to describe a situation that occurred between me and my mother. She has been sick for a year. She suffers from many illnesses. During my last visit her blood pressure was high. At one moment I understood that her illnesses represent a defense reaction. She constantly repeats: «You don’t pity me. Look how tired I am. I carry the whole household on my shoulders». She constantly tries to have everyone pity her. I was able to see it from a side: she behaves in such a way to have people pity her. 

— Take a look at how pleasure and suffering walk hand in hand.

A man says: «Take pity on me, I am unhappy». He has to become unhappy for people to pity him. A vicious circle appears. One makes himself sick in order for others to pity him. What kind of thoughts do people entertain before suicide? The majority of people who attempt suicide think, «They will pity me a lot when I die ».

Those are the usual pre-suicidal thoughts: «I am going to kill myself, and then you finally going to pity me. You don’t appreciate me now. You don’t even notice me now. I’ll make you see what I am capable of ».

That’s how far this personality trait can take a man. It can bring one to the point of self-liquidation. Seeing this trait, you cannot say that this main personality trait is very helpful. On the other hand, you can continue to see only the things that bring you pleasure.

A man walks down the street, and sees someone on one’s knees searching for something.    «What are you looking for? » — «I am looking for my key ». A passerby decides to help. He gets on his knees and spends two hours helping the guy. Finally, he says: «Are you sure you lost it here? » — «No, I lost it at home ». — «Why are you looking for it here? » — «Well, it is dark over there, and there is light here ». That is how it happens. We look where there is a light. We don’t want to search in the dark. Therefore, we usually see only one side of our personality and don’t want to see another, dark side. But until we see it, we will not be able to understand ourselves or other people.

— A neighborhood woman came to me and asked to borrow some money. When I opened the door, I saw her being beaten by three guys. I took pity on her. I tried to interfere, but they didn’t even notice me.  

— Was this pity directed toward her or toward yourself?

A man swims in the open sea. The weather is rough. He is tired. He gets under the water, but manages to get back and continues to swim. Suddenly, a motor boat full of life guards appears. They grab him and pull him out of the water. He screams: “God damn you, I was just one hundred yards away from the world’s record!”

Everyone sees the situation his own way, and the feelings one have in a given situation may differ from the feelings of the people who look at the situation.

Where do we come from when we try to save someone or interfere with something? What we do is based on our understanding of a situation.

I would like to get to the bottom of it: what exactly happens when you try to save someone, when you try to intervene in some situation, when you say: «this is not right»?

Are you trying to help someone else or to help yourself? Can you discern this little nuance of your true motive?

When one pities oneself, one starts to see oneself in another human being and pity him. Then, he acts. For example, for many parents the upbringing of a child consists precisely of displaying pity toward him, i.e. toward themselves. How many people see this? Who wants to see this? How much of what we do is caused by this feeling?

We do something and later on we say that this was a right thing to do. We say that this was a right thing to do, but quite frequently we doubt whether it was a right thing to do. But, at certain moments we say that this is how it should be, and this is the only way it should be. So, what is this fight for the truth and what do we really want when we try to save or help someone? What do we really want when we try to set someone on a right track? What do you want in such situations?

Pity is acid. It corrodes the soul. It corrodes the heart. It kills aspirations in a human being. Pity signifies that something is not right. Compassion and pity are two totally different things. When I experience pity, I look at someone thinking: «You could have been different, but that’s how you are. I feel pity for you». There is an element of non-acceptance of reality in pity. But, in reality, we see not another human being, but ourselves in them, thinking that those situations are related to somebody else.

Do you want to see the mechanism of how pity appears? This feeling appears as a result of your beliefs of how the world, circumstances, a given human being should be. It appears because of your expectations. When you see a discrepancy between how things should stand from your stand point and how they really are, you experience pity.

Pay attention that it is you who experience the feeling of pity. The person you pity may experience different feelings. He might be happy with his life and have no desire to change anything. Your notions of how he should live may not interest him at all. Therefore, he is not experiencing a feeling of pity in relation to his life; it is you who experience it.

One personality tries to prove to another personality that it is better than it. It is characteristic for any given personality. This is a fact. So, why do you experience pity in regards to this fact?

The feeling of pity that appears in you, as you assert in relationship with him, in reality has nothing to do with him. It relates to you. So, who are you pitying in reality? Do you pity him or yourself? You pity yourself, projecting this feeling onto someone else. Why does this feeling appear in you specifically in relationship with him?

Is that so? Is it possible that you see something in him that you don’t want to see in yourself? Is it possible that this feeling of pity represents your reaction to certain desires of yours that have never been fulfilled, the desires you don’t want to see in yourself? Unless you see them, you will always experience a feeling of pity toward yourself. Moreover, this person holds you based precisely on this feeling. If you don’t want to see the reasons and the mechanisms of pity appearance in yourself, you will totally depend on him (your external projection) in this respect. Your feelings will depend on whether he changes to your liking or not.

You doom yourself to a long-lasting feeling of pity. I don’t know how long it will last. You don’t know it either. Do you like this feeling?

If you suppose that you experience this feeling because of another human being, then in order to get rid of this feeling you need to do something with this other human being, to change his life somehow, to change his notions somehow … If, based on your logic, you experience this feeling in connection with him, you need to do something with him, in order to change something in yourself.

What does it mean to eliminate something? What does it mean, for example, to eliminate the feeling of pity? It means that the situation does not recur anymore. You can try to downplay it for a while. You can try to suppress it. But, it does not resolve, it gets stronger. Do you want to continue to suppress this feeling? It means that you simply don’t want to see certain things in yourself. It will recur.

To eliminate means to eliminate. It means something does not happen again. Does it recur in your case? If it does, it means you are constantly on the hook. In order to get rid of it, you try to change something in another human being. But you cannot change him, as one can only change oneself. In such a case you will endlessly experience it.

Until you see that this feeling of pity is connected to you and you experience it toward yourself and not toward someone else, you will not be able to figure out the mechanism of appearance of this feeling in you and will not be able to change it. But you need to approach it and start to see it. It’s not enough to just say it; you have to understand that this is connected to you. You need to understand that you pity yourself, not another man.

The only thing you can do is to understand that this feeling is coming from you. You experience this feeling not toward someone, but toward yourself. That’s all you need to do. You don’t need to sort out what is it or where is it from. You need to see this fact. Seeing is action. When you see things clearly, problems and difficult situations resolve. No psychoanalysis is necessary here.

Everything is quite simple, but at the same time very complex as one does not want to do this. One does not want to see it in oneself as it is connected to a painful experience. One has to get in touch with this painful experience and to shed some light on it in order to demine it with a light of awareness.

Everything happens instantly. Psychoanalytical and other, newer psychological techniques that search for reasons simply represent a delay. It is a disinclination to see the facts as they are. It is just another fallacy. Many people like the illusion that there is a professional out there who will help them, but no professional will help here.

Pity and compassion are completely different things. Compassion is an ability to see the facts the way they are. Pity is a reaction to inability to see the facts. A fact, for example, may consist of your unwillingness to follow what you consider to be the right way. You may say: «I know what is right. You don’t know what is right ». These are simply the facts. But because you want to believe that what you do is right, and this is different from what another human being is saying, he is doing it wrong. And as you have close personal relationship with him that you don’t want to compromise, you say: «He is such an unhappy guy, he doesn’t understand. I know, but he does not understand. I pity him ».

In reality there are simply the facts. One thinks, feels, and acts one way. Another thinks, feels, and acts differently. These are simply the facts. When you experience a desire to change something in another human being, while he does not want to change it, and while two of you have close ties, you start to experience pity. The pity is supposedly directed toward him, but in reality you pity yourself, as you are tied up to him.  You can say that he is walking in circles, but you walk the same circles with him as you are tied together.


Recall a situation during which you felt pity toward someone. What was your perception of the situation that made you feel this pity? What action did you perform out of the feeling of pity in this situation?

Apply the point of view that is being offered toward yourself: you pity yourself in another human being. Determine what exactly you pity yourself for? Which facts of your life don’t you want to accept the way they are?


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