TGL #26. A favorite child or a scapegoat

People tend to find scapegoats and dump all their negative emotions onto them. A child can play a role of such a scapegoat in a family as the weakest member of it. This may become a child’s professional responsibility. The child is being brought up as a lightning road that conducts family negative emotions to the ground.

Because these people need this lightning road, they take a good care of it and make sure it functions properly. When and if a child is overwhelmed to a breaking point, family members may look at him, thinking: «Where are we going to dump all our hatred? » Perhaps, what I say may seem horrible to some of you. You may have never thought about it this way. Consciously you may have never thought about it, but subconsciously you may have done precisely that.

A life of such a child is horrific as a tremendous energy of negative emotions is being passed through him or her. Imagine that you grabbed a hot wire, and a high voltage is passing through you. That’s what such a child feels. Do people that pass the current of irritation through this child think about what he feels? Such child may «burn out».

A favorite child or a scape goat

— I noticed that I get to experience both mother and father during daytime. I can’t say that either one of them is a leader. Is one of the parents always chosen as a leader?   

— If that is really so, you are dealing with different specifics. In such a case these roles will flip: one thing in the morning, another thing in the evening. You happen to be in a constant internal conflict. In order for this conflict not to be seen, you have to kill one of them: father or mother.

— At the end, this conflict transfers onto the body. The body–a child–is guilty of everything.

— When parents are fighting, to a child it appears that everything is because of him. A child decides that if it was not for him, if he was not there, everything would be Okay. Therefore, he needs to be eliminated. He needs to die in order for parents to be happy. A child is a hostage of their relationship. That is what you are dealing with.

When parents are fighting all the time, a child says: «This is because of me. I am nothing. I am nobody». A child wants to bring himself down and to eliminate this conflict between mom and dad.

— A child as a method of manipulation.

— But a child does not understand it, that’s why this «trio» continues to coexist inside of you.

— I traced internally that mother wakes me up in the morning. I wake only because I have to make money to feed the body, and to go to work. At work father steps forward, because I have to be communicable there.

— In this case, mother screams at father to go to work, to bring home the money family needs.

— She also adds that he has to work because their daughter is stupid. 

— In reality, this is a conflict between dad and mom. Mom yells at dad: «Go to work! » He does not want to get up, but he has to get up and to go to work. He goes there and starts to do something. That’s exactly your situation.

Seeing the parental conflict, a child decides that everyone will be better off without him. He thinks that his task is to be in a state: « I am nothing », «I am dead». «Then pap and mom will stop fighting » — he thinks.

But all of this occurs inside of you. A child’s state: «I am nothing» persists because it appears to a child that if he were to move to a state of «I am something», the conflict would exacerbate and become unbearable. Therefore, a child takes a position: «I am not here. I am nothing», and suffers from being nothing.

— I understood where my screechy voice is coming from. As soon as parents would start a conflict, I would start to cry. Then they would run to me continuing to fight.   

— Exactly. Now, remember yourself as a child. What did you feel when your parents yelled at each other? Have you felt importance, pride, happiness, beauty of the world, and fullness of being during those moments? No! During those moments you were nobody. You wanted to hide so nobody would see you. You were horrified. You wanted to close your eyes and ears.

— That’s where the desire to please them is coming from.  

— Yes, but you can’t please them. They fight inside you all the time. They continue this fight inside of you. If you please your father, mom will scream at you.  If you please mom, dad will start screaming. It’s a jail cell with three inmates.

— That’s why I had to hide my going to the seminar and tell them I was going on vacation. But mom suspected something and started to interrogate me, asking whether I was going to the seminar again. 

— Look, when all three of them are in one jail cell, the only thing that is left for the kid is to participate in this fight, taking one of the sides: «Me and mom against dad!» or «Me and dad against mom!». In such case, a child is going to be someone. Otherwise, a child is trying to hide somewhere all the time. That’s how a program-leader is chosen, but this choice occurs through accusation.

— My mom always tried to paint dad in a negative light and to pull me to her side. When I understood that, I consciously removed myself. I relocated to another city.

— You did not take a side. If you were to take a side, you would have acquired a certain importance in connection with it: attacking dad from mother’s side or mom from dad’s side. Later on it is necessary to give birth to another child in order to reinforce the positions; one child across one side of the enemy line, another on another side. Imagine this small cell where the war is doing on non-stop, and where the prisoners appear through birth.

— That’s why one is unwilling to have children in such a state. One does not want to give birth to another prisoner.  

— Well, nobody asks you here. Another actor is being introduced, and that is it.

— One can only understand it when one asks a question: «Why did I come here? Why was I born? » But when one takes one of those sides, one gets in a state when one wants to give birth to the new prisoners.  

— I use military terminology, because it is a war. This is not an accepted point of view here, but I use direct analogies: a jail cell, two prisoners who fight tooth and nail, and introduce newly born children into their game. This is a clear cut description of what is going on.

By seeing this, you will start to understand something while the «sleeping one» will scream: «What are you talking about? Where is love? Where is God? » I tell you that God is present here in such a form. This is a lesson, and we need to understand it. This is not a common point of view, but it describes what happens here very well. Only by seeing what is as it is you can do something that would produce a result. If your description is erroneous, you will not get a result, as you start with a wrong premise.

One has to understand what happens in reality, and then to begin to correct it. It’s imperative to harmonize your relationships. The more flexibility you have in your relationships with people, the easier it would be to come to harmonious relationships with them. Every one of you should think and decide whether you should continue to pass the current of irritation through the people that are close to you or not.

More often when people come to such a state, they don’t want to think about anything, they just want to dump everything that they have accumulated of their shoulders. The first one that is near, and usually it is a family member, is used as a lightning road. Later on this human being starts to behave similarly with other people. A vicious circle is created. If we are not to approach it with awareness, it would continue endlessly.

By understanding what exactly happens in reality, one can start to become aware of it and to observe what is going on. When one does something in a state of awareness, at a certain point everything will change by itself. Try to scream while being aware that you are doing it. I can tell you that everything will change after a short period of time. You will get into a totally different state because of your awareness of what you are doing.

The moment you become aware of what is going on and understand that this is the dead end is very important. The habitual stereotypes, those frequently used roads don’t lead to anything good, but to experience the period of their changes is not easy either. Changes occur painfully, but it is important for them to occur. As a result, completely different, new, harmonic relationships will be built.

***

Take a look at your relationships in the family through the analogy of a jail cell where two prisoners (mother and father) are fighting to death using children to strengthen their respected positions. This unusual point of view will allow you to see what happens here the way it really is. What’s going on in this world is war.

See how and who you are fighting with using your children to your advantage the way your parents used you in their war. Become aware that the same scenario is played out inside of you between the inner parts of your personality. The scenario of this war is your personal program.

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